Saturday, June 29, 2019

She That is I

How long?
How long...
How long will she feel this kind of pain. It seems never ending. It is so painful that she couldn't feel anything at all.
She always fails. She always falls. She always gets fooled. She just thought everything's changed. She thought she already got over this stage. Now, her hope and trust got crushed again. She wants to cry.  She wants to cry so much, yet her tears fail her too.
There is no one. She doesn't know why. This time around she thinks there is really a problem with her. No one comes for her. No one looks for her. No one checks on her No one cares for her. As she is writing this right now her tears are coming down. They're blurring her vision.
Yes.  She has a lot of people in her life. They say it would be happier if you belong to a big family, but why it is like this. She feels like an orphan. Yes, she got a lot of friends, yet she seems like a stranger to this place. She has no one to go to. She has no one to talk to. No one even has known her well. She feels like she is in a whirlpool, she finds it hard to get herself out because no one  is pulling her out. She thinks she has failed them so hard that they gave up on her. For them she doesn't measure up to their expectations of her. Ever since, she has never felt genuine love from the people around her and it hurts her so much. Everything has internal motives.
If she would change everything, in her heart, she wants her world to be different. She has tried so hard to be a better version of herself. However, everything is making it hard for her.   Well, she might be the problem. Her impulsive self. She might be born to be alone and to go through these hardships. It's really hard. She is almost on her edge. This is what she is in her thirty years of life. She is certain this is not just a midlife crisis because she has been going through this ever since. She even fought so hard to survive the deepest fall way way back then. Is now the time to give up? Give up on expecting true love for her from this world. She feels like she can't go any further. She feels so tired. She seems to have exhausted her self too much to no avail.
When will happiness come? When it comes,  for sure it would not taste as sweet as it should be since she has been longing for it for so long that she got used to not having it at all.

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Ode to my Father

When I think of the word father, gratefulness always swells out from my heart.

Among all other people
To you I am most thankful
We all have human tendencies
so you too have had your own struggles, weaknesses and challenges
The tears you've shed
The disappointment you've received
Your heart that has been broken
Always
Yet I’ve always known
In the depths of my soul
That you’ve been there for me
The times you have carried me both literally and figuratively
Even your imperfections
has given me realizations
In my destination
they're something I can hold on.
Your inner strength is amazing
Your determination is inspiring
Your sharpness is so impressive
Your simplemindedness brings joy and laughter
Your generosity brings tears to my eyes
You gave me the chances
Have the means to sprout, grow and bloom
May God answer my prayers
That you would always be well
That to Him you will always ask counsel
In everything you decide
He will always be your guide
What I have done  for you will always be not at par to what you have done for me
God knows surely the time to repay
I have said it many times and today I will say it again
Thank you and I love you, my dearest Tatay!


#OdetoMyTatay

Wednesday, January 02, 2019

1of365

Happy New Year!!!
2019 is here and I didn't even see it coming. The year that just ended was tough, yet I am still thankful.
It's feels great to celebrate every new year with my family. I must say that this New Year is the happiest for me. I was able to see everyone happy. I have prayed so much for this. A day full of joy, love and understanding.
I was able to visit my bro, too. I know by the grace of Lord Jesus, he will find peace and justice.
As I go back to the city, my heart is rejoicing.

***



Monday, December 31, 2018

Unboxed: Well Done, 2018!

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,’ says the LORD, who has compassion on you.” Isaiah 54:10 

My #Page365of365 is about to close. There are countless of #LessonsOf2018 that I held a tight grip on. Well, everyone would say that, yet, no one would ever decipher how profound it had been except me and God. 2018 had been seemed to be receiving boxes of gifts all throughout the year. Unknown and unexpected gifts wherein 
most of those boxes are Pandora's boxes (I did received a literal Pandora tho haha
Those that unleashed disappointment, heartbreaks, tears, and failures were dominant. If I would look back, I would never imagine how I got out from it. It is indeed true that not every problem we go through each time though it might have been similar to the previous one  have the same solution and not every person who has solved it could do so for you or could satisfy you with his solution.

No matter how identical every problem would be to every person, we have each of our distinct way to  solve it. 

I must say I pushed myself too hard to my edge this year in all areas. Lows are more than the highs. I was even close to drought. 

Moreover, a few from those boxes showed me a realization about compassion. That it doesn't or shouldn't end at saying "Everything will be fine or I know how you feel." It would only be called empathy whereas doing a follow up with the person or showing willingness to be at her side during the case process would be great. Yet, again not everyone would adhere to the same formula, just to me at least. 
A lot from those boxes showed me hope at first, yet disappointed me totally. So much tears, but it made me stronger. 
Some boxes almost broke me let say 85%. Many of those boxes  drained me because there were just so much on my hands. I almost let go of everything. Almost. 
Yet. The one box which I received wholeheartedly, showed and helped me remember that all those boxes are all at my disposal. It even provided me all I needed in every decision I would make to those boxes. It also contained knick knacks like comfort, encouragement, courage, extra hope, mounds of faith, ample of strength and boundless love. I embraced and held on that box all throughout. 
Despite all, I remained grateful to God about everything. Others would comment "You say that every year, but why you always go through the same situation?" Yes. We might have gone through things over and over, yet I must say, maybe there are points that we fail to see in the process. Those points which could be very small. Yes, small but if they fill you up, they would drown you. We must not fail to pay attention to every detail. If there is one thing God continues to teach me - that is to process everything through the filter of His unfailing love. Also, instead of drowning yourself to fears, doubts and pains, let them be the trigger to look for God’s protection, provision and possible growth opportunities. It was hard. It is hard. It will be hard. Yet, Jesus is the God of yesterday, today, and tomorrow. For that I received victory for He is my VICTORY.
2019 will be great for sure. What God made me go through in 2018 will surely be my guiding principles and eternally He will be my light and hope. 



Thank you 2018. I am grateful for all the learning. I welcome 2019 with full of hope, eargerness and victory for the Glory of God. 

Isaiah 55:8-9, “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the LORD. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’” (NIV)

Psalm 138:8a: “The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever.” (ESV)

Wednesday, July 04, 2018

Blindsided

I couldn't remember where it started or what is the cause of my hurting heart. It may have been an onslaught of a life drama or a sliver of dim disappointment, a bout with unmet expectations or a barrage of unkind words. It may have been unchecked pride or raging hormones. But whatever it was, by the time I enclosed myself in the four walls of my room, I was a hot swirl of ache and tears.

These are moments when I don't understand myself anymore. Times when you were just caught on the verge of unexplainable sadness and pain. Those instance that you just want to drown yourself to tears. Not even a beautiful word or praise can appease you. The only thing you know is that everything will be fine if you cry.

In times like this I just let myself tear up for a while. Right after that I would talk to God, open the Bible and  pray for new joy. His comforting words have never failed to give me peace of mind and incomparable joy. Yes sometimes we are meant to be broken for us to know brokenness and the sweetness of being made whole again. We just have to feel sadness for us to know it exist and that happiness is empowering. At the last thought, we just have to go through these for us to see God at the blindside.

Thursday, June 28, 2018

K.C.A.L.B.

Who would have thought that the person whom you have trusted the most will be the one who will cause you pain? Who would have thought that the things which you believed in were not as real as you have believed them to be? Who would have thought that the life that you always have held on to will be changed forever?
In your existence, you have come across with different personalities. Some just come and go. Others chose to stay, yet seemed disconnected. You were once a kind of person who accepts everyone in your life. You didn't have reservations at all. Be kind. Treat others well. Those are the words that you caught from Ethics classes, so you live by them.
As your world become larger, your experiences are even plentier.
The world which you thought to be full of equity and security has turned into an unstable, one sided wall. Eventually that sturdy wall lost its prime and collapsed right in front of you. It became so damaged that no matter what methods of rebuilding were used to bring it back to perfection, the remnants of the past linger.
Kindness and justice which used to make everything equally balanced have now lost impact. They became weightless and invisible.
Sometimes it could lead  you to become hungry of attention not of everyone but of the people that you care about and love. You seek the feeling of being seen, accepted and cared for. You would go through different levels of identity building experiences. Those, which can be good or bad, mold your character and accentuate your potential.
You have learnt to be independent. Too independent that you have become distrustful of others. You have learned to rely on yourself.  You might just don't want to be like a strayed kite on a tree branch,  abandoned, tangled and has lost its purpose. You have preferred carrying it on to yourself with a consolation that you can get through it soon.  You have been hurt, persecuted, neglected, and abandoned. You even have cried more than a liter until tears has estranged you. You have made your heart broken a lot of times.

Well, know too that those are considered to be a part of human experience. At the end of the day you still have a choice. Would you let your situation drown you? Would you let yourself be swayed by the work of the enemy? Remember. You might have been deprived of everything you deserve in this world but as long as you have God in your refuge, everything doesn't matter at all. If the world has turned its back on you, He would unconditionally open His kingdom for you.
All
you
just
have to
do
is
CHOOSE.





Tuesday, May 22, 2018

When "One of those days" strikes

Are you having a bad day?
        Were there times that everything seems so out of line and incomprehensible? When we have problems and unfortunate events, we tend to complain and be overwhelmed by the bad situation we are in. We also tend to lose grip of our patience and be overpowered by negativity.
          In these times, I hope you remember Paul and Silas in the book of Acts when they were beaten, persecuted and imprisoned. Despite their unexpected situation, they chose to worship and sing praises to God. In the midst of chaos in their life, they instead prayed and believed that GOD IS IN CONTROL. The sovereignty of God in their lives manifested and gave them courage to face the trials.
         Sometimes it would only take such unshakable faith and endurance in order for us to overcome every trial and unfortunate event in our life. Having the courage to lift our voices to God and accept our situation wholeheartedly, no matter how difficult it is, would be the most appropriate thing to do. We just need to have the heart to  endure every pain and hurt that go along with the situation. Embrace the fact that God holds us in His hands and every event that He allows to happen is an opportunity for us to see His power and goodness.
          It is our choice how we respond to every situation. If we choose to believe, be excited because God will pour out His magnificent grace and power over you.
Worship is always a choice, a commitment and a life-changing encounter.

Monday, April 16, 2018

Gray Skies

Trust.
Relationship.
Love.
True Happiness.

Well, the list would be endless if I would just allow it. As my life reaches its prime, my actual self is becoming more vivid. Some things don't just work out fine for me  anymore just like the way they would before. I would usually turn to some ways and options just to find what I am searching for. I have been to many places. Meet and mingle with different people. I have even opened my self to the extent of getting vulnerable and being taken for granted. I have put myself into a certain spot that left me scarred and trampled.
At the end of the day, I just find myself restless and lonely.
Every passing day becomes as hard as it could be. There is a gap between my emotions that is  so vague that it's suffocating. My search continues.


Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Valentine's Day Message for JESUS

Dear Jesus, when you are present to me, all is good and nothing seems difficult; but when I forget you, all is hard and empty.

Jesus, your voice to me is the most precious sound in existence. If I don’t hear you speaking inside my soul, all other comfort is worth nothing, but if you speak but one word to me I am greatly comforted. I recall that Mary rose immediately from the place where she wept, when Martha said to her: “The Master is come, and he calls for you” (John 11:28). Yes! What a happy moment it is – no matter how difficult my situation is – when you call for me!

Oh, how foolish I am when I go into any situation without having you on my mind Jesus. What vanity for me to desire anything outside of you. The world without you profits me nothing. To be without you is grievous hell; and to be with you Jesus is sweet Paradise. When you’re with me no enemy can hurt me. To find you is to find the real treasure – the Good above all good – and to become the richest person on earth. But to lose you is to lose more than the whole world and to be left in abject poverty.

Oh, Jesus it is the greatest skill to know how to hold familiar conversation with you! Lord, teach me this skill! Oh, to know how to keep you in my consciousness at all times – this is the greatest wisdom! Please, dear Lord, tune my heart to your presence with me at all times. If only I would be humble and peaceable then Jesus you’ll remain with me. If only I would be devout and quiet then you’ll stay within me.

But I fear that I may soon drive you away Jesus, that I’ll turn to outward things and lose the favor of your presence. If I turn from you and lose you Jesus, where will I go? Who else can I turn to as my friend? Without a friend I cannot live well and Jesus you are above all a Friend to me – my one Soul Friend – and without you beside me I’d be sad and desolate.

You are the One, Jesus, who I trust and rejoice in above all others! I’d rather have the whole world against me than to have you offended with me. Among all those who are dear to me you stand out Jesus. You are the One that I especially love.

Jesus, I love all people for you, but I love you for yourself. You are the Christ, the unique Son of God, and you are, singularly, my Beloved. You are good and faithful above all friends. For you and in you, I let my friends and my foes be dear to me and pray that they would come to know and love you.

I don’t desire to be singularly commended or beloved, for that position belongs to you only Jesus – you are God and there is no one like you! Neither do I desire that the heart of any person would be set on me. Nor do I set my heart on the love of anyone. Jesus, my one consuming desire is that you would be in me and in every person who calls on you.

Yes, Lord Jesus, I long to be pure and free within, devoted entirely to you, and not entangled with any creature. Help me to carry my heart pure toward you so that I can be free from all worldliness and can see clearly how good you are. Oh, to be drawn into you by your grace, to see your glory, to attain to that heavenly happiness, to be emptied of all but you, to take leave of all but your kingdom, to be with you alone Jesus and to be made one with you.

Lord Jesus Christ, when your grace comes to me I am made strong and able for all things. But without your grace I am poor and weak and the best I can hope for is your discipline to re-awaken me to seek your face. And when I do need to be disciplined by you please help me not to be discouraged, but to stand with my thoughts fixed on you, enduring whatever hardship comes upon me for your glory.

Jesus, you know that I want always to be in the springtime of enjoying your love, but sometimes I need the winter season. Sovereign Lord, you have ordained the seasons, including those that don’t feel good, and I love you for this too! Help me to remember that after winter comes spring, after night comes day, after the storm comes a great calm. More than that, help me to trust that all seasons are good when I live them with you Jesus.

I love you Jesus! You are the best Friend I could have!

#CBNDevotions

Tuesday, August 01, 2017

Living In The Moment









           Oh! It's August! Yet before I indulge this month, I would like to reminisce all the things that happened in my birth month~ July!

As what I mentioned, I celebrated the 28 years of twists and turns in the month of July. I am continually grateful to God for these fruitful and blissful years. Never in my life I imagined that I would be in this spot I am on right now. The self I had long before seems a different soul now. As what one of my life verses says, "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17)