She That Was I

How long?
How long...
How long will she feel this kind of pain? It seems never-ending. It is so painful that she couldn't feel anything at all.
She always fails. She always falls. She always gets fooled. She just thought everything's changed. She thought she already got over this stage. Now, her hope and trust got crushed again. She wants to cry.  She wants to cry so much, yet her tears fail her too.

There is no one. She doesn't know why. This time around she thinks there is really a problem with her. No one comes for her. No one looks for her. No one checks on her. No one cares for her. As she is writing this right now her tears are coming down. They're blurring her vision.
Yes.  She has a lot of people in her life. They say it would be happier if you belong to a big family, but why it is like this. She feels like an orphan. Yes, she got a lot of friends, yet she seems like a stranger to this place. She has no one to go to. She has no one to talk to. No one even has known her well. She feels like she is in a whirlpool, she finds it hard to get herself out because no one is pulling her out. She thinks she has failed them so hard that they gave up on her. For them, she doesn't measure up to their expectations of her. Ever since she has never felt genuine love from the people around her and it hurts her so much. Everything has internal motives.
If she would change everything, in her heart, she wants her world to be different. She has tried so hard to be a better version of herself. However, everything is making it hard for her.   Well, she might be the problem. Her impulsive self. She might be born to be alone and to go through these hardships. It's really hard. She is almost on her edge. This is what she is in her thirty years of life. She is certain this is not just a midlife crisis because she has been going through this ever since. She even fought so hard to survive the deepest fall way back then. Is now the time to give up? Give up on expecting true love for her from this world. She feels like she can't go any further. She feels so tired. She seems to have exhausted herself too much to no avail.
When will happiness come? When it comes,  for sure it would not taste as sweet as it should be since she has been longing for it for so long that she got used to not having it at all.