A Year of Valleys and Vows: A Reflection on 2024

 

The year unfolded not with fireworks of hope
But with the flicker of a dim candle,
Its light struggling against the cold winds of sickness.
January arrived heavy, not with new beginnings,
But with frailty in my body,
A lingering weakness that whispered louder with each passing day.

And it didn’t leave.
Month by month, the shadow of illness followed,
Returning like an uninvited guest.
Some days, I could rise above it;
Other days, it clung to me like a fog,
Draining not just my strength but my spirit.
What once was routine became an uphill climb,
And I wondered, often, if it would ever relent.

Work, too, brought its storms.
The tasks piled high, demanding more than I felt I had to give.
Every decision seemed heavy,
Every challenge a reminder of my limits.
Some days, I met those challenges with resolve,
But many others, they left me questioning—
Was I enough? Could I truly endure this?
The weight of expectation pressed hard against my weary heart,
But there was no room to stop, no chance to step away.

Home, my sanctuary, became another place of uncertainty.
The steady foundations of my life showed signs of their own fragility.
Their health faltered,
And with it came a wave of helplessness.
I watched, prayed, and worried.
Their pain felt like my own,
Their struggles mirrored my own need for strength.

And then came the matters of the heart.
Ah, the heart - so hopeful, so easily entangled.
This year, it found itself caught in a web of confusion,
In a relationship that promised much
But delivered a strange kind of ache.
Hope would rise and fall,
Moments of joy blurred by questions that lingered too long.
Was it love, or was it something less?
Was it meant to heal me, or teach me something I wasn’t ready to face?
In the end, it left me not fulfilled but fractured,
Wondering where I stood and who I was becoming.

Through all of this, loneliness wove itself into the fabric of my days.
Even surrounded by others, I often felt unseen, unheard.
Friendships seemed distant,
The world carried on without pause,
And I. . .just one small figure in the noise. . .
Found myself yearning for a connection
Yet unable to bridge the gap.

But in the stillness,
When the chaos of the world quieted,
I found a presence that never left me.
When I felt forgotten, God whispered, “I see you.”
When I felt overwhelmed, His peace met me.
When I felt weak, His strength carried me.

2024 was a year that stripped me bare...
Of my certainties, of my comforts, of my illusions.
And yet, it was in that barrenness
That I saw His fullness.
His Word became my anchor,
His promises my lifeline.
Even when the storms didn’t cease,
Even when the answers didn’t come,
His presence reminded me: I was not alone.

This year was not easy;
It tested every part of me.
My health, my heart, my resolve
All stretched thin, all laid bare.
But even in the valley,
Even when it felt like I had nothing left,
God was there, shaping me, holding me.

2024 was not the year I expected,
But it was the year that showed me what truly remains.
Not my strength, but His.
Not my plans, but His purpose.
And so, as the year closes,
I look back, weary but held,
Shaken but standing,
Grateful not for the trials
But for the God who carried me through them.

More Than Many

 Imagine walking into a room full of people, the air alive with chatter and laughter faces beaming as they greet each other. You might think, “Isn’t this the ultimate goal? To be surrounded by so many, to feel as if I belong among the masses?” But what if, instead of amplifying your voice, the crowd drowned it out? What if the more faces you saw, the more isolated you felt, until your laughter was a mere echo and your voice a whisper lost in the crowd?

In a world that prizes the idea of having many friends and being part of a vast social network, it’s easy to forget that quantity is not synonymous with quality. True belonging and true fulfillment don’t require a grand assembly but a handful of people who truly see you, who cherish your presence, who lift you up when you feel small and weak. Having a small, close-knit group that makes you feel valued and significant is the bedrock of a life filled with purpose, strength, and joy.

When you find this kind of group, it’s as if you’ve stumbled upon a rare treasure. They may be few, but they are invaluable. They are the ones who, without hesitation, would drop everything to be at your side during your darkest moments. They are the friends who celebrate your smallest victories as though they were their own, who listen intently when you speak, and who remember the details of your dreams, fears, and ambitions. In their eyes, you are significant; you matter.

Consider the strength you gain from them. It’s the strength of knowing that someone genuinely cares for you, that you don’t have to prove yourself, and that you can be vulnerable without fear of judgment. This small circle is a sanctuary, where pretenses drop, and authenticity reigns. In this environment, you’re encouraged to be yourself entirely—flaws, quirks, and all. These people recognize your greatness, even when you struggle to see it. They build you up, reminding you of your strengths when you feel weak. They bring light to the shadows and give meaning to the mundane.

Having a group that makes you feel big is a reminder that life’s purpose is not merely to collect people or accolades, but to cultivate depth and connection. When your group reflects back to you the best parts of yourself, it’s transformative. You begin to recognize your worth not by comparison to others but through the unique qualities and gifts they celebrate in you. You grow more confident and more grounded. You find yourself daring to dream bigger, knowing that this small circle believes in you, cheering you on from every angle.

In a world that rushes by in a blur of faces and fleeting interactions, those who make us feel big offer a refuge. Their friendship and loyalty are the anchors that keep us steady in the storm. They are the ones we lean on in hardship and rejoice with in triumph. And if we take a moment to reflect, we’ll realize that the love, encouragement, and solidarity they bring into our lives is worth more than a thousand acquaintances or a crowd of admirers.

In the end, it’s not about how many people we know but how deeply we know and are known. True, meaningful companionship doesn’t just make us feel seen—it makes us feel whole. With the right people around us, we are reminded that we are enough, that we are important, and that we belong. That’s the beauty of a small group that makes you feel big. It’s one of life’s greatest blessings, a gift that lifts us higher and brings us closer to the person we were always meant to be.

When I Finally Chose To See

 The sky was painted in hues of dusk, a brilliant blend of pink and orange streaks fading into the deep blues of nightfall. You stood there, staring at the horizon, feeling the cool breeze brush against your face, hoping the wind could somehow take away the weight on your heart. It was a weight you had been carrying for so long, but only now, in the quiet of the evening, did you begin to understand how heavy it had become.

You had spent countless moments with them, moments that felt like they stretched into infinity. The laughter, the shared secrets, the conversations that seemed to flow effortlessly — it all felt so real. Every glance they threw your way made your heart race, and every small gesture seemed to hold a universe of meaning. You convinced yourself that these moments meant something to them too. How could they not? You thought you saw it in their eyes, that same glimmer of affection that danced in yours whenever you were together.

There were days you would replay their words in your mind, dissecting every syllable, searching for hidden meaning, for confirmation that what you felt was real. You allowed yourself to believe that they saw you in the same light you saw them — as someone irreplaceable, someone who could complete their world in the way they completed yours. And when they smiled at you, you could feel your heart bloom, as though you were standing under the warmth of the sun.

But there was always that nagging voice, the one that whispered doubts into your mind. It was faint at first, easy to push aside. After all, they were there with you, weren’t they? They were part of your life in some capacity, and surely that meant something. But as time went on, the voice grew louder, and the cracks in the illusion became harder to ignore.

There were moments of silence, times when you reached out and found nothing waiting on the other side. Texts left unanswered, plans that never materialized. Yet you clung to hope, telling yourself that they were busy, that life was simply pulling them in different directions. But deep down, you began to realize that if they had truly cared in the way you had hoped, they would have made time. They would have shown you, in actions and not just words, that you mattered.

It wasn’t just the unanswered messages or the canceled plans, though. It was the way their eyes didn’t light up when they saw you, the way their laughter felt different like it was shared with everyone else but never quite reached you in the same way. It was the growing realization that you were giving so much of yourself to someone who didn’t even notice the pieces you were offering.

And then, like a wave crashing against the shore, the truth hit you. You had been in love with a version of them that existed only in your mind. The person you thought they were, the person you believed was feeling what you felt, was nothing more than a mirage. All those moments you had shared, all those conversations and stolen glances — they had meant something to you, but to them, they were fleeting, inconsequential.

The heartbreak settled in slowly, not in a dramatic outburst, but in a quiet, painful acceptance. You realized that you had been standing on the edge of a cliff, thinking they were there beside you, only to turn and find yourself alone. The truth was raw, and it hurt in ways you hadn’t expected. You had loved, truly and deeply, but it had been one-sided. It was a sobering thought, one that made you question everything you had believed.

You stood there, letting the evening breeze carry away the last remnants of your denial. It was time to face the truth — it had always been just you, feeling everything so intensely, while they remained unaffected. You had loved with all your heart, but in the end, it was just your heart that had been involved. And as you gazed at the horizon, you realized that it was okay. You had loved. That was something beautiful, even if it hadn’t been reciprocated.

But now, it was time to let go, to accept that some things aren’t meant to be, no matter how much we wish otherwise. You closed your eyes and exhaled, feeling a strange sense of peace begin to replace the sorrow. It was over, but it wasn’t the end. You had loved, you had lost, and now you would begin again.

It Ends With Us: Realizations

 It Ends with Us" by Colleen Hoover is a popular contemporary romance novel that explores themes of love, domestic violence, and personal growth. The book was first published in 2016 and has received widespread acclaim for its emotional depth and powerful storytelling. Currently, a movie adaptation is attracting a significant audience, especially among book fans.

I came across the book three years ago when it went viral on TikTok. I read it in one sitting, yet its aftermath lingered for a long time.

Fast forward to now, after watching the movie adaptation, I found myself deeply reflecting on the complex emotions and difficult decisions the characters faced. The story touched me in ways I hadn’t expected, and it brought about several profound realizations that have stayed with me since.

1. Understanding the Duality of Love: Beauty and Pain

One of the first things that struck me was the dual nature of love—how it can be both incredibly beautiful and intensely painful at the same time. As I watched Lily's story unfold, I realized that love isn’t always the pure, uncomplicated force that we often imagine it to be. In the novel, love is layered with complexities, especially when it’s tied to someone who also causes pain. This realization made me think about the relationships in my own life and how sometimes, the very things that draw us to someone can also be the things that hurt us the most. It was a sobering thought, recognizing that love alone might not be enough to sustain a relationship when it’s marred by harm and toxicity.

2. The Complexity of Domestic Abuse: More Than Just Physical Harm

Second was how domestic abuse is not just about physical violence—it’s about control, manipulation, and emotional turmoil. The story made me understand that abuse can start subtly and escalate over time, often making it difficult for the victim to recognize it until they’re deeply entangled. Watching Lily’s struggle, I realized just how complicated it can be for someone to leave an abusive relationship, especially when love and fear are so intertwined. This realization made me more empathetic towards those who stay in such relationships, understanding that it’s not just a matter of walking away; it’s a battle against deep emotional bonds, fear of the unknown, and sometimes, hope that things will change.

3. The Courage to Break the Cycle of Abuse

The third was about the immense courage it takes to break the cycle of abuse. Watching Lily make the difficult decision to end her relationship with Ryle, despite still loving him, was incredibly powerful. I realized that breaking free from an abusive relationship isn’t just about leaving the person—it’s about making a conscious decision to change the course of your life and the lives of those who come after you. This realization made me reflect on the importance of self-worth and the strength it takes to put your well-being above the love you have for someone else, especially when that love is toxic. It reinforced for me that sometimes, the hardest decisions are the ones that lead to the most profound personal growth.

4. Empathy for the Abuser: Understanding Without Justifying

I also found myself grappling with the empathy I felt for Ryle, the abuser. The story does a remarkable job of showing his backstory and internal struggles, which made me see him as more than just a villain. This realization was difficult because it made me understand that abusers are often shaped by their own traumas and pain. However, this understanding doesn’t excuse their actions. I realized that it’s possible to feel empathy for someone’s struggles while still holding them accountable for their harmful behavior. This nuanced view of Ryle made me think about how we often categorize people as purely good or bad, but in reality, everyone is a mix of both, shaped by their experiences.

5. The Importance of Self-Worth and Setting Boundaries

 Lily’s journey also made me realize the importance of self-worth and the necessity of setting boundaries in relationships. As I watched her struggle with her feelings for Ryle, I saw the internal battle she faced between her love for him and her need to protect herself and her future. This realization hit home for me, making me understand that valuing myself and my well-being should always come first, even when it means making difficult and painful decisions. It made me reflect on my own life and consider where I might need to set firmer boundaries to ensure that I’m prioritizing my mental and emotional health.

6. The Power of a Support System

What also prevailed in the storyline was how crucial a strong support system is during difficult times. Throughout Lily’s journey, the people around her—whether it was her mother, her friends, or even Atlas—played a significant role in helping her navigate her challenges. This realization made me appreciate the support systems I have in my own life and reminded me of the importance of leaning on others when I need help. It also made me more aware of the role I play in other people’s lives and the importance of being there for those I care about.

7. The Impact of Trauma on Future Generations

However, one of the most profound realizations I had was about the impact of trauma on future generations. Lily’s determination to break the cycle of abuse for the sake of her daughter made me think about how our experiences shape not only our lives but also the lives of those who come after us. This realization was a reminder of the responsibility we have to address our traumas and work through them, so we don’t pass them down. It made me reflect on my own life and the patterns I might need to break to create a healthier future for myself and those around me.

8. Strength in Vulnerability

Finally, there is immense strength in vulnerability. Lily’s willingness to confront her past, face her pain, and make tough decisions showed me that vulnerability isn’t a weakness—it’s a form of strength. This realization was liberating, as it made me see that being open about my struggles and emotions is not something to be ashamed of, but rather, it’s a path to growth and healing. It encouraged me to embrace my vulnerabilities and see them as a source of resilience rather than something to hide.

Heart's Home

Being with Jesus is like finding a place of rest, a place where my soul can finally exhale. I can bring all my worries, burdens, and frustrations to Him, knowing that He has invited me personally with open arms. His words, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28), are not just promises—they are truths I experience every time I reach out to Him. In His presence, there’s a calm that wraps around me, soothing even the most chaotic parts of my heart. When everything else feels uncertain, I am assured that He is with me, exactly as He promised in Deuteronomy 31:6, “Do not be afraid or terrified…for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” His constant presence anchors me, no matter the storms I may face.

With Jesus, I find a peace that goes deeper than any comfort the world can offer. It’s not just an absence of worry but a true sense of well-being, like the quiet strength that holds me steady in life’s greatest challenges. As Philippians 4:7 says, “The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” It’s a peace beyond what I can explain, a peace that remains even when things don’t go my way or when answers seem distant. Being with Jesus means being known completely—my flaws, insecurities, doubts, and dreams are all laid bare before Him, yet He loves me fully. Like the psalmist says, “You have searched me, Lord, and you know me…you are familiar with all my ways” (Psalm 139:1-3). I don’t have to put up a front or try to impress Him. There is such freedom in being known and loved unconditionally.

Whenever I’m exhausted or feel the weight of the world pressing down, I find that Jesus is my source of strength. He doesn’t just see my burdens—He willingly carries them with me. His assurance in John 16:33, “In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world,” is a reminder that He is with me through every hardship, ready to face my fears and bear the weight of my struggles. My doubts seem smaller in His light, and my worries lose their grip on my heart. I remember that I’m not alone in anything I face. He is there, offering a companionship so faithful that nothing else compares. This assurance is a source of security, even when the road ahead is difficult to see.

Knowing Jesus also fills my life with purpose, a reminder that I am not here by accident. I don’t have to question if my life has meaning or if I am simply drifting through the motions. In Jeremiah 29:11, God speaks this promise to His people: “For I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” These words are a reminder that I am part of a plan far greater than my own understanding. With Jesus, I know my life has direction, even when the details are unclear. His guidance gently leads me forward, offering wisdom and perspective at every step. Often, I only see the fullness of His plan in hindsight, but I trust that He is orchestrating everything for good.

Being with Jesus brings a quiet, steadfast joy. It’s a joy that isn’t dependent on my circumstances or temporary highs. Jesus’ love gives me a sense of belonging that goes beyond anything the world could offer. His words in John 15:9-11, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love…that your joy may be complete,” remind me that I am cherished and held securely in His love. I know I am His, and that gives me a profound sense of confidence and joy. It’s a love that calls me to a fuller life, where peace, security, purpose, and love are not just concepts—they are realities I experience every day.

With Jesus, I have everything I need. He is my rock, my guide, my greatest love, and my deepest source of joy. Through every season, He stands beside me, never leaving me, constantly reminding me of His promises.